wanna go halves on a baby?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
