i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
