My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
