I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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