Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
