Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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