So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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