the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
