My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
