Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
