You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
