Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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