Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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