I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
