you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
