What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
