I think im going to throw up on grandma
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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