So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
