Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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