Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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