Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
