Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
