Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You may now shotgun with the bride
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
