Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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