she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
