I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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