Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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