Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
