If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
