i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I have aggressive nipples.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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