Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
