That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
