final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
