I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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