Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
