Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
