I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
