Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
