Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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