Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
