Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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