He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
