My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
