I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
