I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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