the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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