I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
