So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
