the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
