You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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